A non-materialistic view of Christmas Gifts

Hello All!
Long time no write, and I've missed it! I guess the busyness of the holidays plus the beautiful distraction of raising a toddler have been holding their places firmly :). Anyways...with Christmas time around the corner-my all time favorite holiday-it is a time when people feel more inclined to openly give thanks for the blessings in their lives. And I think that's one of the things I love most about it...everyone, not just the saint-like at heart, takes time out to say "thank you" more, to greet each other with holiday greetings...to send out cards and other gifts to people they wouldn't normally do so with, and some go so far as to muster up the humbleness to talk to that person they may have been at odds with for a while. To others, this may give them reason to think of this holiday as a time full of meaningless fake acts of kindness "just because"...to me, it's an unconventional glimpse of how we as a human race should be...and could be. I love the fact that we can actually take time to put others first and give "just because"....even if only for a day. I love that our God-formed abilities to love, to care, to serve, are all revealed in this holiday manifestation of generosity. For a moment, we put aside the work schedule and appointment book, and turn our eyes towards humanity and what truly matters from the heart. Our vision is more focused in on those without, on giving to the needy, and on those we've distanced from due to the world's demands. And in this time, it is a beautiful thing to observe and be part of...perhaps even encouraging some to continue it throughout the year. It is a gift in itself, and a worlwide phenomenon that amazes me, as this flow of warmheartedness breaks boundaries and cultures and exceeds limits. This, is more than any retail sale item can put a number to.

And of course, in all this talk of holiday gifts and things to be thankful for.....I am incredibly thankful for my Lovey...my precious gift from the Lord. She is now 16 1/2 months old, and each day my heart leaps within (actually my body leaps outwardly too at times lol) at the joys of new things learned, concepts grasped. She is just so aware and observant and ...LOVABLE! And I am thankful for her, and for what she brings me, again a matter far beyond mere sales quotas and black friday door busters. She continues to show me new things and I love watching her step by step and witnessing each new development, that started out from infancy and has now matured into toddlerhood. The most beautiful thing is seeing the changes taking place , this tiny piece of creation forming her own ideas, likes, dislikes... beautiful, amazing. And I am thankful that we aren't limited to the superficial temporary "happiness" that comes from getting everything we want on our lists, because if that were the case... the season would have lost its true warmth long ago...

Sweetness in a Bitter-Sweet Lesson...

It's been a while...and lots of growing and learning and...yes TALKING...has been going on! Yay! My beautiful Lovey is now saying many words and phrases...from "Baby" to "oh man!" ....yes thats right..."Oh man!". It cracks me up everytime...and at the same time it teaches me about the awareness, and the studying that she is doing as she watches my lips form these great new noise-like creations called words. And she enthusiastically blurts out the sounds and phrases and knows she has accomplished something big by the reaction from me cheering for her and applauding her. And that look on her face that says she knows ..."Let me do it again Mommy thinks it's great!" . And it is. It is more than great...it is fascinating. My Lovey has this unexplainable way of causing me to fall more in love with her every day...even when she is crazy squirmy and not letting me change her or dress her! And even when she is exploring up her nostrils and tooting in her diaper....things that we as adults are somewhat repulsed by are so incredibly adorable and lovable in the vessel of sweetness that is a child. The months are flooded with numerous achievements and discoveries, and while it seems I am just referring to my daughter here...I am referring just as much to myself. She is teaching me, as I teach her. As I watch her learn and grow, I am aware of the growth that has been happening in me--still undoubtedly continuing and always will be because, hey, I have a LOT to learn about Mommyhood! And while it's of course not as much as I would like it to be, it is enough that I can write about it here...growth. I have learned the invaluable lesson, for example, of taking in what everyone says without taking it all to heart. I have learned that everyone else doesn't always have the best answer for me and that...SURPRISE...I actually CAN decide things on my own when it comes to caring for MY wonderful daughter. But perhaps one of the most signifcant and hard-to-learn lessons for me has been...not to compare myself to others so adamantly, but instead to decide what's best for my daughter despite what the numerous articles and professionals and other mommies say works best for them....each child is an individual, each child is cared for best in a way tailored to their own unique needs and character. And while other advice is definitely appreciated and helpful to a good degree...it really is ok to not do EXACTLY what he or she says they do....as impressive as it may seem. I realized looking back, that I have a tendency to treat advice like a religion in and of itself...trying to strictly adhere to the "do's" and "dont's" to the point that it kind of formed blinders over my own ability to use my motherly instincts. And that realization was good, because it showed me the need to stop. So now? Now I focus more on my own decisions and see what works best for my Lovey. Don't get me wrong, I still do enjoy learning of new ways of doing things and new products out there and still take in info and ask about things. That is always a healthy thing to do, to keep learning, but now I don't just drink up the information...I sip at it, see how it flows for my daughter and I, and take it from there. I am getting to know this mom called Tara...hey how about that? And ya know what? I may not be the best at cloth diapering (I got pretty discouraged about that) and I may not be the most babywearing mother of all babywearers, and that's completely alright (wait a minute, was that really me saying that??? did I just totally accept that I am not the best at something and NOT crawl up in a hole of self-pity or assign myself to my "bad mommy" corner??? hehe) ...but what I do is whatever I see as best for the care and support of my Lovey, my Jayliatta. And I'm embracing the fact that although I am not supermom I am MOM, and I am LOVING my daughter...Loving in a verb form...because loving involves actions, not mere feelings and words (though they have their place). And I can talk about this now, and share about it because I accept things the way they are and enjoy all there is about being MOM...it is beautiful. And I guess, in fact, that my writing about this at all is the product of growth that has been taking place in me. It's freeing, it's relieving, and though I still have my times of going back to that, I remind myself that it's not about the doctors and columnists and authors....not about the other "wonderwomen" of moms out there...but it is all about my daughter and me as her Mom, and I want to be a wondermom for her...and, hey, maybe I already am in her eyes....


To all you other mommies out there who may struggle with similar issues.....turn inward, just for a little bit at least...enough to see for yourself what is best for your own situation, your own child or children. Don't get drowned by the flood of information-though much of it may be sincere and offered by very caring and well-meaning people-allow yourself to breathe...just you and your child. Watch each other, listen to each other, study each other's faces over and over and over again and bask in it all. Soak up one another, and love it and Love your child in verb form.....and allow God to guide your steps in it always. Everytime you feel yourself getting overwhelmed by what you "should" do or what you "could" do or what you messed up on (since the other moms didn't do it that way so after all you must have failed right??? Wrong.)...stop and turn away from the outside noise and inside insecurities...and turn to God...turn to prayer. And then thank Him for making you a Mommy to your unique, custom-made blessing...

Well, Lovey's birthday is officially past. She had such a great time it was an absolute blessing to watch her! I still can't believe the very tiny creation the Lord allowed me to birth into being last year is now walking and talking (in her own way of course) and venturing out to explore things from the basket of books in front of her to the rocks outside, to the very people she waves too and smiles at on her outings. She gets a real kick out of that too I must say. It's so beautiful and amazingly cute to watch her get all "googly eyed" and smiley at the smiles given back to her as she woo's other people with her giggles and shouts and smiles. My darling is growing, and I am embracing every moment of it, every word, every hug, every kiss-which I admit I am very persistent and excessive with...I probably annoy her at times but hey Im allowed to, I am a mom. In fact I am sure it was annoying just to hear that last statement :) . But seriously, there is something so therapeutic and calming, soothing if you will, in watching and simply observing your precious little child. No words. Just eyes, thoughts, quietness, as you watch and listen to her being introduced to the ways of the earth and all that is in it. Listening to and watching her boisterous response to the balloons that rustle as they float back and forth from her party....in her attempt to talk back and let me know what she thinks of them, those shiny, intriguing packages of air that crunch when squeezed lightly...wow, that must be fascinating in her mind. And watching her as she takes each brave step closer to her destination...mustering up strength and confidence with each step, accumulating more of each as she draws closer and closer to that prized finish line of the mound of toys awaiting her arrival..."Almost there. Almost...there! I did it! Mom did ya see that???" And just looking in her eyes and telling her how beautiful she is, and "I love you" drifts over and over like waves out of my mouth...with high tides of playful kisses and raspberries....that usually results in goofy giggles she can't hold back. Then I am the one cooing over it.

These are what are I mean by therapeutic. They offer more than any man-made, over-analyzed study of quanititative/qualitative research producing sterile solutions to a matter that exceeds human "cures" to any form of distress. And that's the beauty of it, there is no concrete step by step instruction booklet to be applied to the joys of watching your child grow, there is only you, your child, God, and each moment...each moment to take in and swallow, to digest and reflect on...to absorb like a sponge that doesn't dry out, because you are getting more and more of the wonderous experiences of growing and watching and growing and watching fed to you as times go. No scientific or psychological theory can be applied to that type of therapy. It is an intervention that comes all on its own, offers all on its own, relieves all on its own, heals all on its own...God-breathed.

Watching You

Watching you grow,
in every way
Watching you flourish,
and I pray
For God's hand
to hold you
through triumph and trial
That you be guided
by His ways
every step, every mile

From bathing to babbling
from smiles to kisses
your ways are amazing
your presence dismisses
all negatives
and matters far too trivial
to affect
with a glance of your blue-greens
I'm sure to forget

your ways are fashioned,
shaped by grace
Divine evidence revealed
in the reflection of your face
everything about you
evoking awe, fascination
uplifting, confounding,
the essence of inspiration.

but all the fanciest and sophisticated
words in existence
are just hollow compilations,
vain attempts
at the intangible ways
of love, of beauty
that is found in you,
so purely, so truly

Approaching the momentous One

To My Lovey...



I've watched you grow. I've watched you change from barely seeing to constantly teething, from frequent crying to new things trying, from babble-talking to conquering walking, as you learn and change from each evolving moment. Words cannot fully encompass all you mean to me and all that goes on inside of me as I look at you, and sit in awe, steeling kisses and cuddles and giving cheers for your accomplishments, and also for those simply "just because" times...which are pretty much all the time. I know writing here doesn't do any justice to all you are to me, nor to the feelings going through me as we approach your One-Year mark, but it's my way of expressing one of the greatest, most special times in life, and when you have something (or someone) that brings you such joy and love you tend to want to share it however you can, with whoever will listen...or read :) . You have come so far in this first year my little lovey, and although you had no clue what was going on when you first entered this world, you've made yourself comfortable here, growing into a beautifully formed, amazingly skilled being. I watch you as you watch the day; the cars go by, the trees as they sway, silently captivated by all your surroundings, and it's awesome to see it. As you reach out to get hold of something, your curiosity is precious. As you give those mile-wide smiles to those around you, and to me, as you reach out to be held, dropping gracelets of your sweet baby kisses onto my cheeks....it's better than sailing the waters, better than a flower garden in full bloom, and better than anything that tries to come close to those priceless occasions.



Your 1-year mark...bitter-sweet. Bitter because it's a reminder of how quickly the times of babyhood go by and independence sets in...and the days of baby cuddles and needy-ness dwindle. Sweet because it's another beginning, a beginning to truly learning and being introduced to each other more and more, on different levels as years go on...getting to see who this beautiful little girl is gonna be when she is older. Sweet because it celebrates all that we have been through together and accomplished together, with the added anticipation of first words and walks, more involved storytimes and other bonding times. It's the beginning to not only celebrating the holidays but actually knowing of them, discovering that they are special times to be enjoyed with special people, and even creating new traditions together. Yes, there are many sweets.

Watching her grow...

My little darling, she is almost one year old already! Gosh I remember when I was still carrying her inside me and thinking how far away and seemingly intangbile her one year birthday seemed. She has changed sooo much, discovering herself: her likes, dislikes, meeting herself face-to-face in playful mirror games, bravely going where she hasn't gone before-which is pretty much EVERYWHERE she can get access to! :) She is being introduced to the world and it's surroundings more and more...and I myself am being introduced to her developing and discovering it too...moment by moment. And it's both exciting yet accompanied by some heart ache...this beautiful little blessing who knows no wrong and bad in this world will one day discover that it contains disappointments, challenges, and trials ...and thinking of her first encounters with these is something I have a hard time accepting. I keep thinking of the words to a song that I chose to be for her...like our song together (yes I tend to do corny things like picking songs for people). The song is by Plumb and it's called "In My Arms"...it is beautiful, combines the softness of new-born love and gentleness with a touch of the contradicting struggles and reminders of reality. I encourage you mommies (and everyone else for that matter!) to check it out.

Anyways, all in all even though for me the significant milestone of turning one is a bittersweet one...it is overall a very exciting one! And I am soooo thankful and happy to be sharing in this event and walking beside my little lovey as we both experience it together! She has grown and learned and accomplished so much in this year...and I can't even begin to imagine the many things she will be learning the following year! In fact, that brings me to my next thought...I have a habit of constantly wondering "What will she be like? How will she behave? What things will she be learning and doing years down the road?" Then I realized...Stop. Don't look ahead to the what-if's just yet.....enjoy and bask in the joys of the todays. Take in each new step, each new word-even if it is just a partial word/sound/babble concoction mustered up from an oh-so-adorable baby mouth. Keep cruising along with her , and not just in the physical movements, but in the bonding. Anticipation of how things might be a year from now just takes up time that could be spent on growing together now...so again-STOP the wondering and thinking about down the road, and focus on the steps taken together to get there, with all the wonderous joy and beauty each one brings...

Indescribable

You are beauty,
a glimpse of grace
hand-in-hand,
luminous face

sitting speechless
no words of worth
compared to the magnifience
enveloping your birth

holding, watching,
in awe of, admiring.
a reason for growing.
your presence? inspiring.

struggling and battling
to break through my mind
to search for the words
to eventually find
the exact description of
my eyes' and heart's view
then it comes like river
pouring out "I LOVE YOU"

Hello all,
Thank you ahead for taking time to read my whereabouts, whatabouts, howabaouts, and all other "bouts" that will be going on here. :) I guess where I really wanna start off is with the birth of my beloved daughter Jayliatta. She was born on August 6th, 2009, and has changed my life like I never knew was possible. It's amazing how we can look at our lives at any present time, and be completely unaware of the possibilities that show themselves years down the road. We sit back in our comfortable chairs of security and everday routines....with all kinds of plans for "down the road"--whatever that road means. But the real beauty that fascinates me is how, with all the plans in the world, NOTHING can compare to the actual unexpected experiences that unravel with each day, each moment. And these very things that you CAN'T plan for or be totally prepared for, are the very things that the Lord uses to truly get you to stop and live. And it's in the turns and bends of life that remove us from our comfort zone that remind us HOW to live....


My daughter is a gift from Almighty God, and reveals to me what truly matters, and what it means to truly love. I have since "stopped" in my own tracks of life and have been awakened to a new and more meaningful direction, but not just a direction, a learning course of life, full of wonders, challenges, trials and errors, moments of accomplishments, joyful firsts, bitter-sweet changes, and a whole array of things that will cause me to say "I not only sang in the rain I danced in it", "I not only stopped to smell the roses I made a bouquet of them and planted more so that others could partake of the same simple sweetness", and "no I didn't lay on the grass to watch the clouds go by, instead I got up and chased after the sun". I hope you, too, can find the special moments in life that the Lord Jesus reveals to you and not just appreciate them on the surface, but ALLOW them to wake you up to what really matters.