A brief update...Memories vs. Worries

It's been a while. I've been so motivated to write out my thoughts and joys of watching my beautiful girl grow into, well, just that...a beautiful girl. Unfortunately that battle against time seems to wedge it's way in there. So many experiences have happened, from seeing my Lovey turn two to hearing her speak to me in actual grown up sentences to her excited exclamations of going "pee pee on potty" that make me melt. Through it all, I of course wanna just cover her in blankets of cuddles, but also have those uninvited bouts of worries as I see the grown up girl coming out more and more, my mind jumps MILES ahead of me..."she's getting older now...how am I gonna handle questions about peer pressure, what about when she's old enough to really start resisting my orders of what to do and what not to do, how will I handle her questions about God, about death, about sex....and the list goes on...and on...and on..."And I know people are saying "oh man just relax and let the kid grow up! Worry about it when that time comes!" But I can't just sit and not think about it, it's a reality that sometimes kicks in when I dont want it to, maybe because being a single mother, I am the one who will be handling all these not so trivial questions. Yet times goes on, and these nuisances of thoughts fade for a time, and I just allow myself to get a kick out of her being her, and the intensely cute phrases and remarks she comes out with. I take joy in the way she looks out the window for me waiting for em to come home from work....and as I pull up to the house...that oh so gracious face stares...peeping out in excitement and anxious waiting, her eyes looking intently for the car "full of boo boos" that mommy drives. And as she sees me, I watch her mouth the word "Momma!" over and over as she runs from the window to the door to greet me...and I run over knowing what comes next....her running away from me as I come in to show me something she has, or simply standing by me telling me new phrases and sentences or things she did that day. These are the times I truly realize as childhood memories-and mommy memories-in the making, the simple everday ones, as well as the more eventful ones...such as her first ride, first swim in the pool, but even a twentieth "bye-bye" being waved to you that you just so happen to really appreciate more that day...that comes at a time when you really need a smile that only her quirky little wave could deliver. That is a memory maybe even more precious than that of a first unwarranted climbing within counter-top reach to grab the forbidden prize of mom's glass of water or plate of leftover food just waiting to greet the floor. Though I must admit those actions will be worth retelling :). Memories are great to relive, but so much more amazing experiencing them first hand...and so, amidst the worrying about possible scenarios of the future and nagging assumptions that squeeze their way into my thoughts unwelcomed, I remind myself of the beauty that is happening NOW and tell off the futile thoughts that distract....so much better. Sigh of relief. And back to enjoying the beautiful blessing awaiting me with her irresistable demands for attention and affection...and yes, more memories to enjoy making.

There's something so poignantly beautiful in how God uses the uneducated and sweet simplicity of a child to break through a hard, calloused adult heart. I was blessed with the opportunity to watch this unfold recently as I watched my daughter interact with a dear relative of ours. A woman who doesn't tend to show much affection, who very much keeps to herself, and understandably so, as she has had a rough life. While spending time with her and others, it came time to sit around the table for a nice dinner gathering. Suddenly, out of nowhere, my 19 1/2 month old daughter reaches out her arms and says "hun", which in Jayliatta terms means "hug". And the first one she chose was this woman. Upon realizing what my daughter was doing, the woman-who does not readily respond to much affection at all-immediately got up and smiled, went over to her, and reached out to hug her back. I was amazed, touched, bombarded with emotions of shock, joy, wonder...and above all, realization; realization of what God echoes throughout His word regarding relationships and the human heart (when I say heart I mean the entire being of the human, not just feelings or the mind but body, soul, and spirit). God chooses the meek and humble to be taught and to teach, because they are the only ones who can truly see the significance in things as God sees it. And He it seems like He uses simplicity as the approach. They are not blinded yet by the world's foolish demands and obsolete ideas of values and standards and worth. Untainted yet, they do not have filters of bias over their eyes that hinder their true vision due to society's distorted and corrupt views. They see things as they truly are, through God's eyes...and therefore are able to truly love and learn and share their love with others. And it's through these living examples of love and trust and just being that one is capable of breaking through even the hardest of hearts that not even the most experienced professional counselor can do. This, is true beauty in my eyes. This, is how true love is developed. This...is true. How seemingly small and fragile children are used to confound us "well-knowledged" and much more "experienced" adults is something powerfully life-teaching and deeply touching. I ask you this, what good is earthly wisdom and scholarly background filled with much experience and formulas of impressive words if we don't even know the basis of love? What good is all the information in the world if we don't know how to extend ourselves to others to truly help and nurture them? We tend to get so caught up in diagnosing everyone else's flaws and "weaknesses" (which I think are actually strengths waiting to metamorphose at the hand and timing of God) that we overlook the simple acts that can truly heal. Maybe if we took time to get to know someone, invest a little more in our "hello's" and "how are you's?" ..and maybe even dare to actually MEAN it when we ask that question at all, which has sadly become a thoughtless, reflexive short-hand form of communication done out of obligation more than concern of the other's well-being. Maybe we should take time to look at a person when they're talking, acknowledge their presence by simply giving a smile or nod, even when they're not talking. Maybe we should turn from our virtual lessons of research and tried-and-true methods of the trade and instead turn our hearts towards others' needs and hurts. Maybe, just maybe, we should take lessons from the little ones, and try giving a hug to a person where medicine or therapy has grown old, even where it hasn't.

Realizations of... Realizations

I watch my daughter as she grows, and learns, questions, explores..soaking up this great big world of newness in her toddler-sized eyes. She takes everything in with all her senses, which by the way she proudly shows she knows-ears, she points to them; eyes, she points to them; mouth she points to it with the added sound effects of smacking her lips together and making a popping sound; nose, she points to or up it....which sometimes then leads to a mini excavating adventure of the nostrils. And she revels in the joys of her new big self, more capable then the 6 pound 10 1/4 ounce being she used to be. And I think..."Where did the time go already?" I can recall her tinyness and fragility but almost only as though it was surreal, and the pictures I look through are like reminders that it really DID happen, that she really DID grow this much already. Wow...what an abundant amount of maturing and developing that this little precious one has been doing. Still, she teaches me as much as I try and teach her...and a new level of humility comes into the picture now as well, as I realize and have to accept that I don't have all the right moves as a new mommy, even if I were a mommy for a second, third, fourth time...I will not ever have ALL the right moves and answers, which is why I need to constantly and consciously point her to the One who does, and always will. But that humility, oh it is a sweet thing in the long run, that is something that will change me in an increasingly profound way. It can turn the most prideful, insecure mess into someone with such richness of character in wisdom and beauty. And who would have thought that this would be something that you are made aware of as you are watching your child and being entertained by her many triumphs and accomplishments? It is amazing, that the most seemingly unrelated topic and thought is connected to you studying your child. And this type of unexpected revelation and realization is yet another reason why I love motherhood...one of the many...

Learning about Love...

I know I've been MIA for a while. That would be due to the lack of time and having a kind of writer's block, though I don't know how that could be since I don't write much! Anyways, I've been thinking a lot about love. But not love in the Hollywood-ized, lovey-dovey, twisted up version. I mean real, to-the-core, unconditional and yet unfathomable love...that we can't fully even grasp but can definitely experience with the presence of God in our lives and hearts and the people He uses in our lives. And it isn't something that just "happens"...love is something that I am experiencing in a whole new way, a way that goes beyond hugs and cuddles, and even beyond that of my daughter...who God is using in my life to show me how to love unconditionally...and that is the kind of love that comes with having your very own child. This love is one that teaches as it grows, and it disciplines you yourself as you either choose or don't choose to base every action from it. I see how all-encompassing it is, within the realm of family. When one person is hurting, the rest are affected. And as Jesus says, if one member of the body is hurt and can't function right, the other members are affected, and it is up to them to then step in to reach out to the one in need. This is how it should be, this is how it is meant to be, within family (and of course with anyone who is in need-which I guess is pretty much everyone since we all need love) . I have seen how much I HAVEN'T done things in love towards another person. And since having my daughter my eyes have been opened a whole lot more, and I praise God for it.

Motherhood is indescribable, and I know I tend to use that word a lot, probably because when you find something indescribable....there are no other words to decribe it besides....INDESCRIBABLE! But it's a potent combination of care mixed with love mixed with compassion mixed with empathy, which can all be placed under the essence of love itself, though each has different times when they are individually exposed and exercised. Love is what grows us, and grows our children, and that is why it is so important to always act towards them in love, and that doesn't always mean "lovey -dovey" happy times, it also means firmness and times of disciplining. But see, that's the beauty of love, it is so beautifully ironic, contrasted in such a way that it makes it's cause stronger, because in the those times of firmness and disciplining and steering someone in the right direction even against their own will...the ending result is a stronger closeness and love that is developed in themselves, whether or not they realize it at the time. It teaches, it shares, it supports, it encourages, it comforts. Yet it also admonishes, disciplines, cautions, and is always completely and sometimes painfully honest. But with it all, love is made stronger, and the more it is used and practiced, the more beautiful and incredible and deep a relationship will be.