Sunday, September 4, 2011

A brief update...Memories vs. Worries

It's been a while. I've been so motivated to write out my thoughts and joys of watching my beautiful girl grow into, well, just that...a beautiful girl. Unfortunately that battle against time seems to wedge it's way in there. So many experiences have happened, from seeing my Lovey turn two to hearing her speak to me in actual grown up sentences to her excited exclamations of going "pee pee on potty" that make me melt. Through it all, I of course wanna just cover her in blankets of cuddles, but also have those uninvited bouts of worries as I see the grown up girl coming out more and more, my mind jumps MILES ahead of me..."she's getting older am I gonna handle questions about peer pressure, what about when she's old enough to really start resisting my orders of what to do and what not to do, how will I handle her questions about God, about death, about sex....and the list goes on...and on...and on..."And I know people are saying "oh man just relax and let the kid grow up! Worry about it when that time comes!" But I can't just sit and not think about it, it's a reality that sometimes kicks in when I dont want it to, maybe because being a single mother, I am the one who will be handling all these not so trivial questions. Yet times goes on, and these nuisances of thoughts fade for a time, and I just allow myself to get a kick out of her being her, and the intensely cute phrases and remarks she comes out with. I take joy in the way she looks out the window for me waiting for em to come home from work....and as I pull up to the house...that oh so gracious face stares...peeping out in excitement and anxious waiting, her eyes looking intently for the car "full of boo boos" that mommy drives. And as she sees me, I watch her mouth the word "Momma!" over and over as she runs from the window to the door to greet me...and I run over knowing what comes next....her running away from me as I come in to show me something she has, or simply standing by me telling me new phrases and sentences or things she did that day. These are the times I truly realize as childhood memories-and mommy memories-in the making, the simple everday ones, as well as the more eventful ones...such as her first ride, first swim in the pool, but even a twentieth "bye-bye" being waved to you that you just so happen to really appreciate more that day...that comes at a time when you really need a smile that only her quirky little wave could deliver. That is a memory maybe even more precious than that of a first unwarranted climbing within counter-top reach to grab the forbidden prize of mom's glass of water or plate of leftover food just waiting to greet the floor. Though I must admit those actions will be worth retelling :). Memories are great to relive, but so much more amazing experiencing them first hand...and so, amidst the worrying about possible scenarios of the future and nagging assumptions that squeeze their way into my thoughts unwelcomed, I remind myself of the beauty that is happening NOW and tell off the futile thoughts that much better. Sigh of relief. And back to enjoying the beautiful blessing awaiting me with her irresistable demands for attention and affection...and yes, more memories to enjoy making.

1 comment:

  1. God can make a blessing out of everything :-) I know he took my "mess" and gave me a life I never deserved. My kids keep me seeking Gods face like nothing else. It's goes beyond the responsibility of fed or clothed. They will be adults one day and the way we raise them as little 2 year olds will affect them in adulthood. I know we will mess up Tara but as long as we keep a humble heart they will see that we are human and forgive us :-)