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It's been a while...and lots of growing and learning and...yes TALKING...has been going on! Yay! My beautiful Lovey is now saying many words and phrases...from "Baby" to "oh man!" ....yes thats right..."Oh man!". It cracks me up everytime...and at the same time it teaches me about the awareness, and the studying that she is doing as she watches my lips form these great new noise-like creations called words. And she enthusiastically blurts out the sounds and phrases and knows she has accomplished something big by the reaction from me cheering for her and applauding her. And that look on her face that says she knows ..."Let me do it again Mommy thinks it's great!" . And it is. It is more than great...it is fascinating. My Lovey has this unexplainable way of causing me to fall more in love with her every day...even when she is crazy squirmy and not letting me change her or dress her! And even when she is exploring up her nostrils and tooting in her diaper....things that we as adults are somewhat repulsed by are so incredibly adorable and lovable in the vessel of sweetness that is a child. The months are flooded with numerous achievements and discoveries, and while it seems I am just referring to my daughter here...I am referring just as much to myself. She is teaching me, as I teach her. As I watch her learn and grow, I am aware of the growth that has been happening in me--still undoubtedly continuing and always will be because, hey, I have a LOT to learn about Mommyhood! And while it's of course not as much as I would like it to be, it is enough that I can write about it here...growth. I have learned the invaluable lesson, for example, of taking in what everyone says without taking it all to heart. I have learned that everyone else doesn't always have the best answer for me and that...SURPRISE...I actually CAN decide things on my own when it comes to caring for MY wonderful daughter. But perhaps one of the most signifcant and hard-to-learn lessons for me has been...not to compare myself to others so adamantly, but instead to decide what's best for my daughter despite what the numerous articles and professionals and other mommies say works best for them....each child is an individual, each child is cared for best in a way tailored to their own unique needs and character. And while other advice is definitely appreciated and helpful to a good degree...it really is ok to not do EXACTLY what he or she says they do....as impressive as it may seem. I realized looking back, that I have a tendency to treat advice like a religion in and of itself...trying to strictly adhere to the "do's" and "dont's" to the point that it kind of formed blinders over my own ability to use my motherly instincts. And that realization was good, because it showed me the need to stop. So now? Now I focus more on my own decisions and see what works best for my Lovey. Don't get me wrong, I still do enjoy learning of new ways of doing things and new products out there and still take in info and ask about things. That is always a healthy thing to do, to keep learning, but now I don't just drink up the information...I sip at it, see how it flows for my daughter and I, and take it from there. I am getting to know this mom called Tara...hey how about that? And ya know what? I may not be the best at cloth diapering (I got pretty discouraged about that) and I may not be the most babywearing mother of all babywearers, and that's completely alright (wait a minute, was that really me saying that??? did I just totally accept that I am not the best at something and NOT crawl up in a hole of self-pity or assign myself to my "bad mommy" corner??? hehe) ...but what I do is whatever I see as best for the care and support of my Lovey, my Jayliatta. And I'm embracing the fact that although I am not supermom I am MOM, and I am LOVING my daughter...Loving in a verb form...because loving involves actions, not mere feelings and words (though they have their place). And I can talk about this now, and share about it because I accept things the way they are and enjoy all there is about being MOM...it is beautiful. And I guess, in fact, that my writing about this at all is the product of growth that has been taking place in me. It's freeing, it's relieving, and though I still have my times of going back to that, I remind myself that it's not about the doctors and columnists and authors....not about the other "wonderwomen" of moms out there...but it is all about my daughter and me as her Mom, and I want to be a wondermom for her...and, hey, maybe I already am in her eyes....
To all you other mommies out there who may struggle with similar issues.....turn inward, just for a little bit at least...enough to see for yourself what is best for your own situation, your own child or children. Don't get drowned by the flood of information-though much of it may be sincere and offered by very caring and well-meaning people-allow yourself to breathe...just you and your child. Watch each other, listen to each other, study each other's faces over and over and over again and bask in it all. Soak up one another, and love it and Love your child in verb form.....and allow God to guide your steps in it always. Everytime you feel yourself getting overwhelmed by what you "should" do or what you "could" do or what you messed up on (since the other moms didn't do it that way so after all you must have failed right??? Wrong.)...stop and turn away from the outside noise and inside insecurities...and turn to God...turn to prayer. And then thank Him for making you a Mommy to your unique, custom-made blessing...
